


Expansion

by rudbeckia



Series: Random Worlds [20]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Innuendo, M/M, ice blue sofa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 03:39:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12050523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rudbeckia/pseuds/rudbeckia
Summary: AU where Hux buys blue plastic inflatable sofas for the crewlike this oneWith thanks to Cosleia who suggested on trashchat:Hux says "I need you to blow me up one of these inflatable couches" but Mitaka cuts the call after the word "me" and sprints to Hux's quarters





	Expansion

Hux stared at the contents of the plain brown corrugated cardboard carton in horror. This was not what he had expected at all. It was ice blue, yes, that much was clear. It was _easycare_ he supposed. But the manufacturer’s claims that it was hardwearing and practical were yet to be tested. Sith, he wasn’t even sure about the manufacturer’s claim that it was a _sofa._

Hux eyed the small hand-pump with distaste. A general did not have time for this shit.

But a lieutenant probably did, especially if his general _ordered_ him to find time. Hux tapped his chin with one index finger and thought about his lieutenants. A dim bunch, mostly, he concluded, but there was one whose name always popped into his mind right after the word _lieutenant._ Hux picked up his commlink.

Lieutenant Dopheld Mitaka stared at his commlink in a strange combination of excitement and terror. General Hux was sending _him personally_ a private message. In the four seconds it took to register that he should accept the call, Doph’s mind took him through all the possible reasons why the First Order’s hottest general, no, hottest officer of _any_ rank, would be contacting him on a private line. There were quite a few possibilities in his head. After all, he’d been thinking up new ones nightly ever since first seeing the slender redhead with the ice blue eyes in perfect dress uniform.

“Sir!”  
_”Lieutenant, I have an unorthodox request.”_  
“Yes, sir. Anything. How may I be of service?”  
_”I want you to come to my quarters and blow me—”_  
“YESSIRRIGHTAWAYSIR!”

Hux raised an eyebrow as the commlink cut off halfway through his sentence. At least the young lieutenant had seemed eager to please. The door chimed with a request for admittance and Hux opened it. It was the lieutenant, a little pink and a lot out of breath.

“Sir!” 

At least his salute was smart. Hux stood back and waved him inside. He pointed at the cardboard carton on the floor and sighed. “Thank you for coming to my aid, lieutenant. I need you to blow me up that inflatable sofa.” 

It may have been his imagination, thought Hux, but Mitaka looked a little disappointed.  
“If you do a good job, I might have some other task for you. As a reward.”  
Ah, thought Hux, noticing Mitaka’s enthusiastic smile. That was _definitely_ the right thing to say.

Mitaka got to work. He unfolded and expanded the squeaky plastic as best he could and picked up the hand pump. He frowned.  
“Um, sir? I can’t seem to find where to insert my nozzle.”  
Hux tutted. “Really, Mitaka. Do I have to help you find the intake valve myself? You must know roughly what you’re looking for. Just feel around until you find it with your finger.”

In the corridor outside Hux’s suite, Kylo Ren stopped with his hand a few inches away from the entry panel. He listened.

_“Yes sir. Oh! I feel something. There’s a kind of round, ridged thing here but it’s quite small. I’m not sure I can fit it in there.”_

_“It should be a tight fit, Mitaka. Otherwise it won’t be any good.”_

_“Okay sir. Uh, no, it really won’t go in.”_

_“Well get your lips around it man! See if you can open it up a bit with your tongue then try again.”_

_“Yessir.”_

The next words were too muffled for Ren to hear, but his imagination supplied, _”What if I get my tongue stuck? That would be so embarrassing!”_. 

Hux laughed. _“Well, we’d have to get to a medbay without being seen.”_

Ren stood as close to the door as he dared and turned up the audio in his helmet. 

_“Oooh that’s better! It’s slipped in nicely now, sir. Should I start pumping?”_

_“That is what I invited you over for, Mitaka. Slow and gentle at first until you get everything all warmed up, then you can pump as hard and fast as you like.”_

Ren bristled. How dare he! How _dare_ Hux behave in such a manner! Cheating on him! With a lieutenant, too. A bridge officer, even, someone he saw every single day. It was intolerable. Ren seethed in the corridor but could not quite bring himself to rush in and confront the sneaky bastard just yet. 

_”It’s not getting any bigger, sir.”_

_”Pump harder! Is your piston too small?”_

_”It might be inadequate for the job, sir. It is very stiff.”_

_”Try lubricating it more. Let me feel it. Oh! That’s definitely rubbing too much. It should move smoothly.”_

_”That’s much better, sir! Much more comfortable. I think I can finish the job much faster now.”_

Ren heard a strange clicking, slapping sound through the door and regular _”Uuh! Uuh!”_ grunts of effort. He heard the creaking of furniture under strain: it sounded like wood splintering under stress. Ren clenched his fists and raised them, then grasped his lightsaber instead. Hux and his secret lover would _pay_ for this infidelity! 

_”I think… almost… nearly there… just a few more… Aaaah! I'm finished!”_

_”Goodness me, Mitaka, so you are! And much faster than I expected too. Well done. Very efficient. I am quite satisfied with your performance.”_

_”Thank you sir. I am withdrawing the nozzle now. Would you please pass me a plug, sir?”_

_”Oh, there are two. Which one?”_

_”Um, I think the the bigger the better, sir. Don’t you?”_

_”Look out man! Quick! Put the plug in. It’s all leaking out!”_

_”Oh sir, since I did all that blowing, may I please sit on that?”_

That was _it!_ Ren ignited his lightsaber and destroyed the door with two slashes. He rammed the smoking metal out of his way and barged into Hux’s suite, swinging his weapon. Hux and Mitaka only just dived out of the way of the plasma blade as it buzzed through the air where they had just been sitting. The room filled with the stench of melting and burning plastic. 

Hux yelled.  
“YOU FUCKING IDIOT, LOOK WHAT YOU DID!” 

Ren looked around. Instead of naked Hux with a sex toy in his arse and naked Mitaka about to seat himself on Hux's cock, he saw two fully dressed officers, one looking terrified and the other livid. 

“YOU DESTROYED MY NEW SOFA! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO FUCK ON NOW? GET. OUT.” 

Ren mumbled an apology and backed out of the room. Hux sighed and turned to Mitaka.  
“I really am awfully sorry about this, lieutenant. Would you mind blowing up another one for me? I’m going to take a shower. When you’re done, I would like you to join me for entirely different kind of blow job.” 


End file.
